Why do we get in relationships?
The answer, Tony says, is to magnify human emotion, that’s it.
Love is one of the greatest human emotions we can experience.
It’s also an area of life that we neglect to learn or improve at. We kind of just wing is 90% of the time, don’t we?
Can you imagine the kind of results this would produce if you treated other areas of your life like that? Could you get it right sometimes, yeah probably… but how much more could our relationship or love life improve if we actually put focused attention on getting better at it?
Tony Robbins First Marriage
Tony’s first marriage with Becky ended in a divorce after 13 years. He then remarried and now is living a happy and passionate marriage with his wife Sage Robbins for the past 19+ years (m. 2001 – present).
Tony has seen both sides, habits that destroys a marriage or a relationship as well as how to create one that’s passionate and going strong for almost two decades. He’s sought out the best marriage therapists and couples looking to understand the question that is what makes a truly long-lasting and extraordinary relationship.
What you’ll get from this post
I went through hours of his lectures and talks to pull out not just one-off quotes but complete lessons and nuggets of wisdom you wouldn’t find anywhere else. This is the one place in the entire web with these collection of relationship quotes.
If you read through this post, I can guarantee you, you’ll find something you can implement in your life right now to help improve and take your relationship to the next level.
Tony Robbins Relationship Quotes and Advice:
1. Go back to the beginning.
“Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there won’t be an end.”
Tony in this talk asks the audience,
“In the beginning of a relationship when you’re totally in love with someone, what would you be willing to do for them?”
Answer: “Anything… If your partner said, would you take out the trash. What do you say? Take out the trash, happily. But after about seven days, seven weeks, seven months, seven years or seventy years, one day somebody says can you take out the trash? You say what do I look like, your janitor?!?
What happened to the passion?
I’ll give you a clue, if you want a relationship to last, if you think it’s coming to the end, do what you did in the beginning and there won’t be an end, because when you think it’s the beginning, you behave differently than the end.”
This leads us to our second quote,
2. The meanings we give, that is all that’s in our control
“The meanings we give to things control our life. If you think it’s the end of a relationship, are you going to behave the same way as you think it’s the beginning of a relationship?”
In a random podcast I was listening to it was asked, what does love mean to you?
The response has always stuck with me and I think it’s a good answer but don’t necessarily know if it’s right.
Love is both unconditional and conditional.
It’s seems contradictory but there’s a balance you want to strike. You want to receive love unconditionally for a long-lasting relationship and to be able to be your self fully without putting on any mask.
But at the same time love should be conditional.
It should be earned through your actions that shows you care. Knowing that there’s a possibility that a relationship could end will make you behave differently then if you assume it’s going to be there forever. Because we can easily take it for granted and not give it the respect it deserves or requires.
3. Process Tony took defining what he was looking for in a relationship.
“People are not lazy, they simply have impotent goals. That is goals that do not inspire them.”
If you got a general goal, like I want to have a relationship so I can be worthwhile, or I want to lose some weight, or I want to make some money.
Well, fine, here’s a dollar, here’s a guy, and you lost a pound, congrats you just achieved all your goals.
I think people have to get really specific. What I did in my own life to transform my life. I sat down and wrote everything I could possibly want in a relationship, everything. And I was ridiculous in the level of precision I wrote like six pages and I wrote spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, sense of humor, you know, how we interact, what kind of things we laugh about, to that level of insanity.
So I’m a big believer that you have to put yourself in a position where you decide not only what you want, but who do you have to become to attract that. Not just think positive. So I made a list of all the things. What kind of man would I have to be for a woman of that caliber to want to be with me, not just for a day, a week, a month or a year, but the rest of my life.
Questions control what you focus on. What you focus on is what you feel. What you feel is your experience of life.
4. Just a bump in the road.
“Just because you’ve experienced a problem today doesn’t mean the relationship itself is a problem.”
5. Where’s your focus at?
“Where focus goes, energy flows”
6. The success cycle applies not just to business but dating
The success cycle: “Potential –> Action –> Belief –> Results”
It’s potential action results, belief or another word for that would be certainty.
Tony asks, if you ever wondered why the rich get richer and the poor get poorer?
And not just rich in financial terms.
I mean people that are rich emotionally. Happy people tend to get happier and depressed people tend to get more depressed. It comes down to this success cycle. People who are successful have absolute certainty.
7. Go searching for the best
“Get the best tools, go find a role model, find somebody knows that area and has mastered that area”
Go find someone who can give you the insights and show you. Not somebody who’s going to talk a good game. Somebody who’s done it, I don’t care if it’s investing in real estate, then go find the person is the best in that stuff. If it’s changing your body, you’ve got to go do those things that absolutely work. Not some local person trying to pump you up.
Get somebody who knows the answers, not somebody is positioning and get that person to be your mentor, your coach, your friend, the person to hold you to a standard, to give you the insight. Sounds great in the beginning. Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re both fit and you both work out regularly, fantastic. But otherwise there will be a blame game that goes with each other.
8. To solve the conflict – get creative, be playful.
“Don’t buy the story that you can’t do something because you don’t have enough time.”
Don’t buy the story that you can’t do something because you don’t have the time.
It’s a lie.
You just need to get more strategic.
You need to get a little smarter.
You got to be a little more playful.
Got to be a little more fun.
And if you do something like this, it doesn’t just affect you when you come back and you’re in such a great physical state. For example, it affects your relationships. And in this case, it would imprint on your son or daughter, maybe for a lifetime that love can be experienced while we’re moving and being alive.
Get rid of the conflict. Maybe your strategy is from now on, four days a week, you get that stroller and you go for the run with your kids. Right?
How powerful would it be to imprint on your children that every day the bonding time with their parent is this thing called movement and exercise. And you’re really getting the workout and you’re really, truly being with the kids. You’re having a great time. You’re outdoors, you’re feeling alive, and you don’t have to pick one or the other.
9. Pattern Interrupts
“Don’t correct your spouse. Instead, interrupt the pattern in a fun and playful way.”
You could be getting annoyed or frustrated, turn it into a sarcastic game or fun game. Turn it around, be playful.
10. Tony robbins relationship needs
If you really love someone, you’re not asking what you can get from them. You’re asking what you can contribute, as Tony says, “love is not a trade”. You must begin with what your partners relationship needs:
Here’s the six human needs:
Need 1. Certainity
Need 2. Uncertainity / Variety
Need 3. Significance
Need 4. Love and Connection
Need 5. Growth
Need 6. Contribution
Now, we all have these needs, but they vary in importance. We also achieve these in different ways. Ways that can lead to a productive or destructive life.
11. What to do when you’re not feeling supported
Let’s say you comeback from UPW (unleashed the power within)
And they don’t seem very supportive. The best thing to do is not try to convince them, but to be more of who you really are. Not to let it get you down. Not to say why don’t they support me? But to say, of course, they’d be skeptical. They’re afraid to get their hopes up. They’re afraid that you’re going to get excited about something else other than them. That’s part of human beings. They’re afraid that you’re going to get your hopes up and be disappointed.
They want you to be disappointed. So deliver for them. Step up for them. Get out of your own head in the midst of all you’re excited about and say, what does my spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, this person I love in my life really need? And maybe this week just figure one thing you’re going to do differently to improve their life and that you’re not going to ask for anything in return. You’re not doing it for brownie points. You’re just doing it because you love them and they deserve it.
12. When a relationship becomes a routine
We’re so busy in our lives, there’s so much distraction all the time that we oftentimes let go of those things that are most important to us and they get habitual. In any relationship that gets habitual because you’re so busy where someone doesn’t feel your presence. Sometimes you don’t have to do anything. Just shut up and be there for them. It’s pretty magical, as simplistic as it sounds, but do something to keep the momentum going.
13. You can’t walk away – yet
“give completely and totally no holds barred.”
You can’t walk away. Because you haven’t done what’s necessary and you know it, that’s why you’re on the fence, because if you really done everything you would have left.
[talking to an audience member] because you’re a smart man and you’re a strong man. What does it take for her to feel loved? What is she really after in this life? You fill her up so much that she wants to give to you now and she says, honey, go to the band, go, go. Do it twice a week. But you won’t know until you give completely and totally no holds barred.
You’ve been too focused on yourself, even though you’re a good man. Until you’ve gone and giving everything.
14. What brings passion in a relationship
“What makes a relationship work is things in common. What makes a relationship passionate is things being different.”
Tony elaborates, “Now, if there are different values, you’re going to just eventually hate each other. But if there are different energies, masculine and feminine energies, regardless of whether it’s men and women, right.”
15. Lack of attention from men
And so women assume that men just aren’t paying attention to them when men are doing what their brain does, single focus power. It’s what women would be able to do if they felt the same confidence that men do. Men statistically have more confidence, not because they’re smarter, not because they’re bigger, not because they’re stronger, because they only focus on one thing. And you consider everything.
16. Being Authentic
Context – Why his first marriage did not work out.
When you’re being something you’re not, you’re miserable. I never want somebody not be happy. So I would always sacrifice everything to make somebody happy, but by not being who I was. There was nothing wrong with her. I was just miserable because I didn’t understand the game.
In an interview with Oprah, Tony said, “Even on the day I was being married, I knew it wasn’t right. But I didn’t want to disappoint her. It sounds so stupid, but it’s the truth.”
17. Importance of engagement
“Being able to be fully engaged. By the way, in your intimate relationship, how important is engagement? Some guys go very important. I want to put it off as long as I can.” – Tony Robbins
It’s a mindset, it’s a decision inside yourself where you say, I will no longer tolerate low energy in my life because low energy equals shit relationship, that’s a technical term.
18. What are your relationship rituals?
“Whatever you do, it’s a different ritual. If you have a great passionate relationship, you have very different set of rituals of how you come home than if you have a lousy relationship.” – Tony Robbins
When you come home and the first thing you do is you’re tweeting somebody or you’re emailing or flipping on the news or you don’t even come home. What are going to be the results of these rituals?
Whenever I study people that are successful, what I look for is what’s the standard they hold himself to, and what are all the little rituals that add up?
Because think about it, success and failure are not giant events. They don’t just show up. You don’t just suddenly become successful or suddenly have this cataclysmic event that makes you fail. It may look that way, but failure comes from all the little things. It’s failure to make the call. It’s failure to check the books. It’s failure to say I’m sorry. It’s failure to push yourself to do things physically that you don’t want to do.
19. What do successful rituals look like? [continuation of #18]
“Success is calling and saying, I love you in the middle of the day for no damn reason or sending a note that will change your relationship. Having a ritual of something funny, playful or a surprise you do.”
How many relationships are dead today because they have no surprise rituals anymore? You need to have some rituals, some cool things you do that nobody else does. That’s what gives you a better life than anybody else has. It’s all the little stuff.
20. Progress = Happiness
“Progress equals happiness.” – Tony Robbins
if you’re not growing, you’re dying inside.
If your relationships, not growing it’s dying. If your business is not growing it’s dying. No business stays static. If you’re at that plateau, you’re going down.
You better do something right now. So the mindset has to be this is the way I live going forward. I am a learning machine. And that makes people fulfilled because you become more. You’re not just doing something because you have or because you’re trying to keep up.
21. You’re lying if you say you’ve given it your best.
“Whenever we say we’ve given our best, it’s always a lie. Because whenever you get there, what do we always discover? There’s another level” – Tony Robbins
There’s another level.
Every four years, for centuries, at the Olympics people run faster, they jump higher, they lift more weights. This happens every four years for thousands of years. How does this happen?
Drugs… no obviously not.
The point is, whenever you get to where you think your best is, it opens up another possibility.
This is what couples have to see. They think they’ve already had their best days in the beginning. And some of us have been guilty of encouraging or agreeing with that. And that’s the worst thing you could possibly do.
What is a relationship purpose, why do we get in relationship? There’s only one reason we get in a relationship to magnify human emotion. That’s it.
22. What 9/11 Experience Taught Tony
“Emotions are a habit. And when we go to relationship, all we do is magnify them. And then we find reasons to back them up.” – Tony Robbins
“I notice something on that day (referring to 9/11) angry people got angry, sad people got sad, worried people worried, and loving people loved.”
23. Learning to being present as a man
Presence is what causes a woman to open to you sensually, sexually, emotionally, her heart, soul, the whole nine yards.
And gentlemen, you know how to do that when you’re in the zone in sports. You are so present when you’re in the zone trying to solve a problem. And you were probably so there when you were pursuing this woman.
Accommodation doesn’t produce passion, it might have a relationship where there’s some friendship. But again, the only difference between, you know, a friendship and an intimate relationship is intimacy. And real exciting intimacy is when people feel your presence.
24. Why congruency is so important (the classic do the dishes example)
Come from a place of congruency so people can feel when you say what you mean and you mean what you say, versus when you’re placating.
She asked me, you know, am I going to do dishes? And I said, yes, and then I don’t do it. Then she gets mad at me.
Tony’s response – There isn’t anything authentic. Learn to say no, I am not going to do the dishes.
But I also didn’t say you should go do these dishes. I don’t have a delusion that that’s a woman’s job. I just said I’m not going to do it. But I also don’t think it should be your problem and I’m committed to working out a solution, but I’m not going to do this. And there are some things that you probably don’t want to do either. Let’s work this out.
See most women, they don’t want to pleaser, they would like to be pleased, but they don’t want to pleaser. A pleaser tries to do anything they can to make things work. They women feel there’s no presence in the man and he has no center. He has no strength. They may like him, but that’s going to be hard for them to respect him. And if she doesn’t respect him, there’s not going to be a lot of passion.
25. The most important decision.
“The most important decision of your life, what would it be? Some would say who you’re going to marry, and I wouldn’t disagree with that. That’s probably one of most important things in life. Who you are going to spend time with is who you become and if you pick the wrong person, life is a b*t@h. If it’s the right person, life can be magnificent.” – Tony Robbins
“The only thing we can control is what we think about what we focus on, what we feel and what we experience. The most important decision of your life is deciding you will be happy no matter what.”
Because unless you do that, you won’t be.
And I can tell you, achievement is common, happiness that is sustained is not.
You want to be achiever, here should be your new goal to achieve the highest level of daily happiness that any human has ever experienced, because if you do that, you’ll be the ultimate achiever. You’ll dwarf everyone else and you’ll achieve as well.
26. Jealousy, resentment, anger why give it any attention?
“never compare your relationship to that of others – a sure formula for disaster.”
27. Anticipate, prepare, and create
From Tony Robbins Ultimate Edge program, “If life’s a test, you tell me what’s life like? Well, I’d say it’s tough. You’ve got to prepare. You could pass or fail at life. If you’re someone who’s successful at taking tests, you might say that life’s a breeze. My point is even one metaphor shapes you. What if life isn’t a test? What if instead life is a battle? Then you’re always looking for a fight or expecting one to come your way.”
So whatever we focus on, it tends to show up in our life. It’s working on your underlying philosophy of how you see the world which influences what you’ll find and how you’ll interact with it.
Getting people to have the courage and the faith to realize there there’s no security in life and there is no security in relationship, there’s only what you can contribute. There’s only what you can create.
28. The five disciplines of Love
There’s five disciplines of love you must follow at all times if you want a relationship or marriage that lasts. Here are the five disciplines:
- Unconditional love and compassion.
2. Absolute courage and Vulnerability.
3. Knowing the truth.
4. Honorable language.
5. Giving Freedom.
29. What is it you’re after?
“Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be in love?”
30. Putting love first.
“You put love first. You love more than your rules and it makes you a better human being because it opens you up because lots of things were making life and death that really aren’t.”
31. Getting over past relationships.
When you lose someone or something you love, it can feel like the world is ending. You lose the will to do simple things that used to make you happy, and you often can’t find the motivation to take on more challenging tasks.
Dealing with grief can be a devastating experience; however, you can’t hole yourself off from the world. You have to face your fears and learn how to cope with this loss. Knowing the nature of grief in humans can help avoid pitfalls and help you overcome.
(1) Feeling of loss.
(2) Feeling of less.
(3) Feeling of never.
To give context: Tony has this relationship with a business partner who completely screwed him over. The stages of grief are no different than a relationship with a significant other. Here’s the experience and how he grew from it.
And it’s because I had a feeling of loss, the money was part of it. The ability to not have to think about money was another part of it. An equally big part of it was I cared about this person. They took advantage of me. I felt the lost of trust, the loss of love, loss of connection. All that got stacked into this anger. The truth of the matter is, do I have every right to be able to point and show that this guy is wrong? Sure. Will that make my life better. No, what I do say, how can I use this and move on, not make him right. Not make him wrong. Just go, okay. Instead I ask, what would make a person do that?
You know when I finally start asking what would make a person do that? I created my entire destiny technologies. Probably is the most powerful set of distinctions I made in my lifetime. Because I figured out how I could use it, what I could learn from it, instead of how could this happen to me? And I turned my finances around like 100 fold. My little company, doing four million dollars a year to 50 million dollars a year.
We all know that if you’re interesting, you might have a relationship that’s on the surface. But if you’re interested, you’re going to go deep because you’re going to follow up and ask questions. And the person is not just going to feel gotten or some other fancy term. They’re going to feel that real connection that’s happening because we live in a world where there’s so little raw reality. And most people are so good at presenting that I think most people, they’d rather see the screw up. They rather see a presentation that is not as refined.
32. Find appreciation
“Pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice. Trade your expectation for appreciation. Suffering ends in that moment.”
Some people like to stay in their suffering. Be wiser, don’t be that person.
33. Develop positive anchors
“Reinforce your sense of connection through positive anchors such as family rituals or annual traditions.”
34. What’s your ‘when we first met’ story
The story we tell.
If you ask a couple, how did you meet and talk about it with such passion, excitement, you know, the relationships still alive. If they go, yeah, we met, you know, this is what happened and we bumped into each other, there’s no energy for it.
Even the story of how you met affects you. So part of this week you might want to take a look at the stories that you tell about your partner, to yourself, to your friends, to your partner, because we start to believe our stories. And I always tell people, want to change your life, change your story. Divorce the story of how your partner is not enough or you’ll never find the partner you want (if you’re single) or the good ones are gone. Whatever stopping you from getting what you want a relationship there’s a story about it. If you can uncover it, you can get rid of it. Divorce your story and marry the truth. The truth is always something will empower you much more.
35. What to do if you feel a loss of attraction
If you consistently feel like there’s a loss of attraction in the relationship, it changes your filter on each other’s behavior and it goes to the second stressor now. Now, all of a sudden, with a loss of attraction, there’s an increase in irritation. People start to get very often where they get emotionally stacked like little things start to bug them. In a worst case, they get to stonewalling.
36. The Four R’s
The Four R’s of a relationship.
Resistance leads to resentment in the relationship. If you don’t have the awareness to speak the unspokens then resentment turns into rejection. If you let that sit, then eventually you’ll get repression which is a state of submission or learned helplessness. It’s where you accept it’s not going to get any better. And when that happens in the relationship is that it’s dead. Or at best it’s a decent friendship, but you can make friends with anybody again, you can’t be intimate with anybody.
37. Vision in a relationship
The thing that’s missing from most relationships, there’s no vision.
I mean, without a vision, in the Bible, it says people parish.
When a relationship has no vision for greater than where they are.
That relationship is going downhill, if not destroyed.
I believe that every relationship, every part of life, every part of a human being needs a compelling future. If the future is not more compelling than today, today could be tough but if the future is compelling we can get there. And that’s what every leader does.
Don’t get stuck in a repetitious pattern. If things aren’t working, change your approach – your perception, actions, responsibility frame, etc.
39. A place to give
The only way a relationship will last is if you see it as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.
40. So give it your all
“You can’t expect your partner to do all the heavy lifting in a relationship. If you want true intimacy, you must be willing to give your all.”